Almost like Diane says in Frank Sonnets, The problem with confusion is death, the problem with everything is death. The problem is everything has a problem, and the problem with that is problems are disturbing. Like this, is disturbing, like you, are disturbing, like I, am disturbing.
Me, like you, like the collective us, like the collective them, we are driven by something primal. Something I cannot explain.
And so recently, something bothers my dreams.
Something infects my thoughts.
And so lately I have obsessed over grief. I have obsessed over death… Death in general.
Like my coming death (no matter how long), like the loss of a parent, like the loss of a dear friend. And it is just like some things that come hard at you sometimes — for example,
seeing a mercedes benz at least once a day, seeing the color red suddenly everywhere.
Knowing that though they should be everywhere,
they shouldn’t be that everywhere, seemingly extra-ubiquitous — my growing obsession with grief and death has come out of nowhere, hard at me.
Subtle, but also very much there;
An overly sensitive and anxious overthinking mind like mine
cannot miss such things.
I sense grief like it has come from the city of loss itself, surrounding me slowly but surely, quietly but not without stealth, and because I am oversensitive, I sense my impending grief a little bit too strongly.
And so even though I never wanted to write this note (for one, because it is disturbing), for a time, sometimes, it is the only thing I would want to do. It is the only thing I would think of.
Although observing death around me might be a by-product, naturally, of growing older, it does not make it any less of a problem. It is because of death I worry endlessly about the health of my tires, my car’s ECM system, and stopping at rural city gas stations.
It is because of death, I top out at around 85mph and no more.
I found out recently, I could be charged with reckless driving for going 20mph over the speed limit. This limit, I understand it for local and residential roads — death is serious. But why because of death must the speed limit in the so-called land of freedom have to be so limiting? Is it not possible today to drive 20mph, responsibly, over a speed limit that was made when cars were made from stone? I am undecided about speeding on interstate highways.
Not to argue for reckless driving. Reckless drivers should be charged with reckless driving and made to pay four hundred dollars a month for basic collision insurance.