Let me tell you, folks, I’ve made some tremendous changes — the best
changes. I renamed the Gulf of Mexico — a very weak name, by the way — to
The Gulf of America. Much stronger. Much more beautiful. Everyone’s saying
it.
I also restored Denali — nobody knew what that even was — back to its
proper, historic, very popular name: Mount McKinley. People love it. They’re
thanking me every single day.
And the Department of Defense? We brought back the original, powerful name:
The Department of War. Because we don’t defend — we win. Everybody knows
that.
Now by executive order, I’m tackling the worst issue of all. This is
important, folks. It’s time we fix that old LGBTQ+. I’ve looked at it, and
quite frankly, the “L” word… not good. Not classy. We’re replacing it
with something nicer, much more elegant: Lady Loving Ladies. Isn’t that
beautiful? Really tremendous phrase.
What does the old word mean? Does anybody know? I don’t. Nobody does. But
“Lady Loving Ladies”? That I understand. Everyone does. And they tell me
it’s fantastic.
And folks, I must tell you — that G has got to go too. It’s a disaster.
They say it stands for gay, but you know what gay really means. It means
happy. That’s what it meant for hundreds of years. I’m happy today —
very happy, maybe the happiest — so I guess that makes me gay! Can you
believe it? Total confusion. Terrible branding.
So we’re fixing it. We’re making it clear. From now on, the G stands for
Gents-Who-Adore-Gents. Beautiful phrase. Rolls right off the tongue. Everybody
understands it. Even the fake news understands it.
And what is going on with the B, folks? Bisexual — sounds very scientific.
Do they have two sex organs? Nobody knows! So we’re fixing it. From now on,
the B stands for Both-Team Player. Has a little baseball flair — America’s
pastime — very American, very classy.
And the T, folks — that’s a tough one, very hard. I’ll be honest, I
never understood any of it. I grew up with Archie Bunker — great show,
tremendous show — where he thought men were men and women were women. He
always said that. Wonderful character. People don’t know this, but he
modeled that character after me. That’s what they tell me!
So we’re cleaning it up. From now on, the T stands for Transcender — very
strong, very elegant. Means they rise above it all. People love it.
And the Q, folks — way down near the end of the alphabet, very underrated
letter. Wasn’t that a guy in the James Bond movies? Q — great gadgets,
tremendous guy. So we’re giving it a beautiful new meaning: Quirk-Powered
Americans. Rolls right off the tongue. People are going crazy for it already.
And that little plus sign, folks — very boring, very weak. So we’re giving
it a beautiful new symbol: ✪. The Star of Everybody Else. Incredible. Shiny.
People are lining up to be part of it. Everybody wants a star.
About:
Dr. Weiner has over 40 years’ experience as a clinical psychologist who specializes in trauma recovery and anxiety disorders. He enjoys using stories to help readers harness their resilience to aid them on their healing journey. He has been published in a variety of professional journals and literary fiction in over thirty magazines. His psychology books include Shattered Innocence and the Curio Shop. Non-psychology publications are Across the Borderline and The Art of Fine Whining. He has a monthly advice column in a Portland Newspaper, AskDr.Neil. nweiner@usa.net
Illustration by Scalar Comet.
