An Experts Guide to Quicksand

The First (and Probably Only) Definitive Guide to Quicksand Survival

Thanks to years of misinformation from Tarzan movies and every jungle adventure flick ever made, most people think quicksand is just nature’s trapdoor to doom. Fear not. Someone (me) finally put together a survival guide that’s equal parts science, common nonsense, and questionable advice.

First, what is it?
Quicksand is earth’s way of saying, “You thought you were on solid ground? Ha!” It’s a mix of fine sand, clay, and water that looks stable until you step on it. Then it tries to swallow your shoes, your dignity, and your last breath.

How does it form and where is it?
It occurs when underground water saturates loose sand, turning it into a jelly-like trap. Think: Southern U.S., South America, and Iceland (yes, Iceland. Even mythological elves are subject to natural hazards).

A quick guide to quicksand survival

Do’s:

1. Enter with a partner you’d be cool spending your final moments with.
2. Bring a megaphone to carry above your head. Because whispering “help” in a humid jungle while being devoured by goo isn’t gonna cut it.
3. Have your partner carry a rope, branch, or vines. If they bring Red Vines candy instead, it’s time to reevaluate that relationship.
4. Stay calm and squiggle slowly upward. Breakdancing lessons, especially “the worm,” may save your life and win you style points with rescue crews.
5. Pack a snack. If you’re going down, you deserve your last meal like the death row inmates.
6. Start Wegovy or Ozempic now. The lighter you are, the longer you float. The jungle doesn’t care about your body image, but physics does.
7. Take out both travel and life insurance. That way, your loved ones can feel sad and oddly relieved at your funeral.
8. Wear bright colors. Rescuers can’t save what they can’t see. Plus, nothing says “jungle couture” like neon spandex.
9. Have a dramatic catchphrase ready. If you’re going to vanish into the muck, go out saying something legendary like, “Momma said there’d be days like this!”

Don’t’s: 

1. Don’t bring your kid in a backpack. That’s not bravery. It’s a two-for-one special for the swamp. Child Protective Services frowns upon jungle negligence.
2. Don’t eat a massive meal before your trek. Sinking feels worse when you’re full of ribs, beans, and regret. Also, your bloated corpse will float weirdly.
3. Don’t try using your cell phone. There’s no signal and Siri won’t save you. GPS will just reroute you to your nearest funeral home.
4. Don’t flail like you’re in a dance-off. The Jersey Chicken, Electric Slide, or Harlem Shake won’t save you.
5. Don’t bring a book to read while sinking. No one will applaud your literacy as you disappear beneath the muck mid-sentence. “It was the best of—gurgle—”
6. Don’t walk in front of the guide. They’re underpaid, under-slept, and just waiting for one tourist to vanish so they can call it a day.
7. Don’t let your life flash before your eyes. It’s mostly traffic jams, awkward dates, and that one time you hit reply all. Let it go.
8. Don’t curse your luck. You booked the “primitive immersion experience,” remember? You’re just getting what you paid for plus a muddy bonus.
9. Don’t bother with mosquito repellent. Let them enjoy their final supper. It’s a buffet and you’re the main course.
10. Don’t waste money on cryogenics. Quicksand is nature’s discount preservation chamber. Just ask that Bronze Age guy in the Alps.

About:
Dr. Weiner has over 40 years’ experience as a clinical psychologist who specializes in trauma recovery and anxiety disorders. He enjoys using stories to help readers harness their resilience within to aid them on their healing journey. He has been published in a variety of professional journals and fiction in magazines. His psychology books include Shattered Innocence and the Curio Shop. Non-psychology publications are Across the Borderline and The Art of Fine Whining. He has a monthly advice column in a Portland Newspaper, AskDr.Neil.